If you take a peek at the Mental Health tab under Posts, you’ll see the spiral of my brain after moving to Australia from Germany.
Those months weren’t my finest. If anything, I often refer to the entire 2019 year here as “the worst year of my life”. It was so bad for me, for so many reason, that were deep and superficial and seemingly unending, that I barely have any memories of that year.
When Matt brings up certain memories, it boggles me how differently we see the same memories. Where he remember a relaxing evening at a nice restaurant with his family, I remember pinching the skin between my thumb and forefinger for 4 hours, trying not to succumb to the anxiety attack I can feel rising to the top.
I was crying heavily for 10 months straight. How could he think these memories were good ones? How could he think that I liked it here? But then I remember, I was waking up at 2, 3, and 4am sobbing, I was crying in the shower, I was waiting until Matt went to work before I would actually feel my emotions. How could he have known?
It took me a long time to forgive hime for not seeing what I was clearly trying to hide. There wasn’t anything to forgive, but I was so angry for such a long time that I felt like I wasn’t being seen.
That’s one of the many things I love about him. He WANTS me to tell him my emotions, even when they are big, even when they are loud, annoying, aggressive and dramatic.
He wants to hear it!
We have had so many conversations over the last 2 years trying to improve the way that we pass on information to eachother and to not let guilt or this “living abroad” thing get in our way.
I realised that the reason that I didn’t want to tell matt that I sometimes regretted coming here, that maybe things would have been easier if I just stayed in Germany. I felt guilty for dragging hime in to this hellish situation. It felt like my fault that we were having problems, because I was the one that said I would move and now I’m complaining and just can’t get happy.
So, I kept it all in.
Luckily, I chose the right man and he coaxed all of my fears out of me and let me know that what I’m feeling seems logical.
I was shocked.
How? Just how!? I was sure that he would want to jump ship. I was sure the next line would be “yeah, I think you’re right. Maybe we should look at flights home for you”.
But, that’s not Matt. Firstly, he listened. He really listened. Then, he waited until I was ready and started implementing ways to make me happier here.
Now, I am content with the life we have, while looking forward to the life we are planning together.
On my next post, I’ll list what Matt and I did to help me adjust to living here (happily) and become content with a life that I don’t always have so much control over.
Thanks for reading!
Are you living far from home? Have you moved for love and have some advice for those of us in the tranches? Please let us know any tips you have in the comments! Every word from a kind stranger helps 🙂