The Pain of Choosing Not to be Alone.

So, needless to say, the last month has been a MONTH.

I feel lost. I’ve been feeling like I need to be progressing at a designated speed that I wasn’t informed of. This is my least favourite part of being in a live-in relationship (if I’m being honest, which I think I am).

I don’t get the time or the space to adjust to anything. There is always someone there to push me to behave in a way that I really don’t want to. I cant just lay in bed for days, depressed, just decompressing from life and thinking about what the hell I want to do or be. There is always someone there.

That’s a good thing too. I cant just laze about and be unproductive. I am being pushed to do basic things like laundry and dished and just carrying out basic hygiene, because there is always someone there.

They check in, ask questions, really SEE me. I have to open up in ways I might not ever have had to had I chose to stay alone.

Alone was easy. Alone was peaceful.

This isn’t peace, but I love it.

It’s pain and struggle and most of the time it hurts.

I am constantly asking, “Why cant we just have a week of peace? Why do we always have to be struggling and fighting for this?”

Because it is what we want.

Moving here and doing this thing makes me rethink my whole life. Have I truly ever wanted anything in my life as much as this? It sure doesn’t feel like it. If this is what it feel like to truly want and need something, then this is the first.

I have lived my life comfortably. Yes, I have travelled, learned things and had countless experiences that have made me uncomfortable and nervous, but I was never that invested. I could have pulled out of any of those at any moment and felt fine. But not this.

This feels bigger, because I know I won’t just pull myself out of it. I’m forcing myself to endure the pain and the struggle to get to (what better be) a glorious rainbow at the end.

Because it is what I want.

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