So, I had another one.
Anxiety attack, that is.
They don’t care about location, they don’t care about weather or gratitude. They just want to be heard, and seen and felt.
It crept up at brunch, started nagging at the museum and then full-blown knocked me out in the apartment. After a 30 min breakdown in the shower and 8 HOURS in bed..I was finally able to reemerge for dinner.
That was 12 hours before these photos were taken. I was experiencing the worse day of my existence a mere 12 hours from Beau and I’s best Sunday yet.
My breakdowns have taught me a few things over the years: that nothing is forever, the storm will pass, and sleep can heal almost anything.
We came home from brunch, I kept being asked if I was alright (generally if you feel the need to ask someone if they are alright, then you already know that they aren’t, jussayin’), and I brushed off these questions with a terse, “I’m going to go read.”
I closed the bedroom door, layed down, and started crying and sleeping. Not usually at the same time, but alternating. Like a good and evil tag team. I’d wake up, be comsumed with bad thoughts about how lost I am, why am I not happy, I have a great life , WHY AM I CRYING!?, why am I upset, I dont deserve to feel upset..yada yada until I’d eventually pass out again. This went on from 12pm until 7:45pm. I could have slept the whole night, but Beau made dinner and I gotta say, I was starving.
I zombie walked over the the table, stared off into nothing as I tend to do when I’m in this state, and just sat. I didnt talk, didnt thank him for dinner, just sat.
As I was eating dinner and we were making small talk, I could literally feel myself coming out of the darkness. I felt lighter, happier and like all the thoughts I was having were just nonsense. By the time we went to bed, I was in-love, laughing and relaxed.
The next day, I got up, went to the gym, went to the grocery store and cleaned the kitchen all before Beau even got up. It’s like night and day. The whole day was amazing.
We drove down to Cronulla, walked along the beach, had lunch and a post-lunch acai bowl (because I’m basically Australian now) and walked back. We joked, laughed and spoke effortlessly like we used to (before I started having breakdowns every other day). It was the perfect day. I still think about how different those two people are: the dark Lindsay and the light.
They live so closely together that sometimes, I can feel the dark start creeping up. It scares me. I never know how close I am to being her again. The solver lining is that is makes me appreciate Light Lindsay so much more. When I am good, I am great and I use that energy to my best abilities. I go to the gym, cook, catch up with friends, reply to my families emails. I do everything that i have the energy for, in case I am bed ridden for days again and cant do the things that I love.
Enjoy the photos 🙂 and I hope that reading this post helps you as much as writing it has for me.
Do you have “dark spells”? Does the dark creep in on the light? What do you do to pull yourself out? Let me know! I’m always looking for ways to minimise the effect Dark Lindsay has on me.