4:30a.m.

This is my favourite time of day.

It is also the time that I feel most lonely, isolated and invisible.

They have always gone hand-in-hand for me.

I’ve always been this person that just pops out of bed before 5am and just starts doing shit.

Not because I was told that I’d become a millionaire or that I would find eternal happiness. Just because my body apparently just likes bothering people with energy before they have even thought about what their plans are for the day.

When I am waking up at 4:30, that usually means that I am doing well. That I am my best self and feeling great. Here comes the big BUT..

BUT.. in the first few minutes of waking up and realising that I’m not going back to sleep, I feel incredibly sad. I lie there, looking over at my partner (who is the deepest sleeper imaginable) and feel like no one is there. I feel so FAR from everyone and everything.

I’m awake, it’s quiet and just the right amount of quiet to give you space to think about you life. All the good and bad. Where you are, where you are going and where you have been. All that yada yada.

I lie there for a bit. Just long enough to feel the impending doom, you know the kind. The kind that anyone who has every suffered from depression feels. The weight that comes, for no reason, but you feel is slowly getting heavier and heavier on you. You know that there is nothing that can stop it. Nothing that will slow it down. So, I get up.

I get up and I find distractions. I find things to clean, ideas to write about (usually what I’m thinking about in that moment (hence right now)), something to plan or organise. There is an inside joke between my partner and me about how I’m just “that person” that gets up and gets shit done.

He doesn’t know why, but I do. Just to distract.

Then, after all that cleaning and organising, the sun is up, people are awake, and breakfasts are being made. Suddenly, I’m not alone anymore. Suddenly, it’s my favourite time of day again.

 

Thank for reading!

Is there anyone else out there who are the wake up early/ stay up late- contemplate the universe kind of people? How do you distract yourself?

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