It is 6:55am in Munich, Germany, which makes it 2:55pm in Sydney, Australia, where my boyfriend currently lives. I am drinking some cold water and sobbing in teh dining room by my laptop.
Seems like a good time to chat.
I got a text saying “Good morning 🙂 Let me know when you can talk :)”
Normally, when i get these messages, it means “I have time to chat! Call me!”. In a long distance relationships, these time slots are everything. He works a full-time job that sometimes runs over into the weekend and right now I am on the final days of vacation fro my job before I leave for the states for a month. This means that I have tons of time to think about us, our relationship, the future and I am in the middle of filling out visa forms for Australia while also having to go to the foreign office in Germany, seemingly everyday to cancel insurances and gym memberships.
Sometimes I think I am cracking under the pressure and sometimes I think i am handling everything with grace, but today I am crumbling.
There is nothing harder in a LDR, for me, than to get on the phone with F. only for him to ask me one question or I say one thing and then he has to leave (for good reasons) to go back to work or finish something he was working on. Getting just that little taste of talking to him only to be ripped away destroys me.
I feel like I handle this situation really well. I tell myself all the mantras: it’s only temporary, you’re just one flight away, it’ll make your relationship stronger, but on mornings like this when I’m sobbing at 7am..it makes me wonder why anyone does this.
I know why I am doing this. I don’t have a choice. I don’t want a life without F. and that means making some hard choices.
I try to remember what I tell my friend when she is sobbing from her fresh LDR:
“However hard it is for you, it is equally hard for them in different ways. Sure, they get to lead their normal life and they have friends and family surrounding them, but they also have to be the ones to set up a life for you for when you return. They know that you wont be immediately employed and that it could takes years to get a visa where you could work a normal job, but they make that sacrifice. They have to find you a home. They have to go out with friends and their partners and try not to act sad.”
I also tell her that we are lucky that we get this opportunity early on to know what it feels like being away so long. Normal couples meet and then they are together. That is it. They never have to feel how it is to be separated and to really KNOW that this person is the one. Both of us and our partners have sacrificed so much time, tears, money and convenience just to be able to be in the same country…the same city even. So, we are reassured that our relationship is at least strong and equal. I don’t know what other couples have to do to prove that they want to relationship as much as their partner, but I know I’ll never have to find out. We are going through it now and I know that we will have a better bond because of it.
But, man, does it fucking suck.