How NOT to be a terrible drunk: Are you a Brittany or a Boris?

Last night a friend of mine wanted to have a casual dinner party. We had burgers (a little too rare), fries, and american snacks that one of our abuelitas send over. Then comes the wine..the beer…and the TEQUILA.

this is where it all went south

There are 2 kinds of drunks, we will call them the Brittany and the Boris. Be like Brittany.

Brittany:

Drink your fill. Get drunk.  QUIETLY GO TO THE BATHROOM TO SUFFER ALLEINE! (that’s alone in German, fun fact).

A good brittany will take herself to the bathroom, where she can vomit in peace. Brittany is reliable and when someone needs the toilet, she moves herself to the sink. Brittany is good.

When offered snacks, brittany takes them with grace and says thank you. Be like her.

She calmly sits on the floor contemplating life and doesn’t get in the way of the cleanup job.

she sleeps on the floor of the bathroom quietly, cleans the toilet, fold the blankets and leaves, thanking her hosts and apologizing for any wrong doings.

This is an example of what your host will say and what I said this morning to my Brittany.

“Thank you Brittany, you were a delightful drunk.I wish all drunks were like you.” 

good job pic

Now..

Boris:

Boris is a different story entirely.

Boris takes no prisoners. No one survives. No one will sleep, eat or be merry when Boris comes to town.

Boris takes you unaware. He goes to sleep early, around 1:30am we’ll say. You feel safe. you check in and he is passed out on the bed, snoring like a babe. you grab your stuff, turn off the light and go to the other room to sleep.

30 seconds later your friend will come in saying that Boris has pissed the bed and vomited everywhere. you will be confused, don’t panic! everything will be okay.

until you fond out that the vomit is all over your bed, clothes (that you were packing away bc you’re moving to ANOTHER COUNTRY!!..whoa, calm down), and all over the floor. the situation is not contained.

Panic

Boris has escaped. He is pants-less. underpants-less. shirtless. vomit..ful? You grab a tank-top and some undies, shove boris in a shower and blast cold water on him (you enjoy this quite a bit). After boris is dressed, you put him in the spare room and lock it and just hope he doesn’t die.

Boris refuses food and water AND the vomit bucket. Boris does not thank anyone for keeping him alive.

Boris yells and tells you that you aren’t nice. Boris knocks down the shower curtain and pushes down poor Brittany.

Boris wakes up in the morning, somehow escapes the confines of the spare room and lays down next to you smelling like wine and vomit and you are left to pick up the pieces of the night before (and of course, calling your mom and boyfriend to tell them everything that Boris did).

quotes from host to Boris:

“Drink the fucking water!

Nein! go to the bathroom!

Get the fuck out of my bed! I’m not mean!

Youre fucking distgusting!”

etc..

Notice a difference?

drunk boris.jpg

Don’t be like boris.

Thank you. I hope this has made you think about your own past decisions and that you follow the path to Brittanyhood.

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